In the movies (porn or otherwise), shower sex always looks hot (pun intended). In real life, there are issues – and, as it turns out, it can even be hazardous to your health.
Thankfully, this guy, who tried shower sex for the first time and almost killed himself at the exact moment of orgasm, lived to tell the tale – so it’s also kind of hilarious…
“It was my junior year of college”, he writes, “and I found myself having regular coitus sessions… Things were going great, but we decided to make things more interesting.
“In my mind, shower sex had always seemed like a good idea, so when she suggested we try it out I agreed instantly. I really should have done my research.”
Yes, we’re talking about straight people sex. But this is such a cautionary tale, it fits here as well… So that’s when things started to heat up – literally:
“I guess I conflated the ideas of sex being hot and temperature being hot because I cranked the shit out of the heat in that shower.
Two minutes later and we’ve begun the act. The act itself was rather unpleasant. The plopping and squishing noises of our wet bodies were completely unexpected.
As a tall dude, I have to like semi-squat behind her. After about 5 minutes or so we get into a groove and I can feel myself nearing completion, but I also start feeling very weird.
Between the squishing, the squatting, the thrusting, and making sure nobody gets waterboarded accidentally, I realized I hadn’t taken a breath in about 45 seconds. This sexual experience had been an entirely anaerobic experience for me and I just realized.
As ‘the bald man’ is about to cry his first tears, I desperately gasp for air. The steam in the bathroom is now a dense fog that contains little usable oxygen. Immediately, every muscle in my body simultaneously cramps.
I fall out of the shower while decorating a wall with a Peter-Parker-esque web. At this point, my muscles are too fucked to even attempt to stand, so I begin a last ditch effort to crawl to open that door while still cumming.
My partner is visibly horrified and shrieking as she watches my wet, doughy, pale ass slide like a slug to the door, leaving a trail of water and my own ejaculate.
After I managed to get out of the bathroom, I lost consciousness about 4 feet from the door. When I woke up, the girl was dressed and ready to leave. In my exhaustion, I mumbled a goodbye to her and waved as she departed.
I always think about that goodbye from her perspective; a giant half-conscious naked man lying on the floor covered in his own semen waving goodbye. She might still be in therapy working out that image.”
One of the commenters summed it up perfectly:
“Dude, you nearly came and went at the same time.”