In recent years, it’s become a lot easier for gay men to find other gay men. But the question remains – is it as easy to find a man for a long-term relationship, as it is for a casual hookup? And is there an age when gay men just give up the search?
“I’m a 35-year old gay man who is terrified of being single forever”, writes this guy on Reddit. “Honest to God, with each passing day, it feels like my worst fears are coming true.”
And he elaborates:
I guess what sparked my anxiety is a recent comment a friend from yester-year made to me when we ran into each other at a bar. “I can’t believe you’re still single!”
Has anyone ever told you that? Did it make you feel like crap? I’m sure there was no malice intended behind those words but they cut like a knife just the same. My mind translates it into: Why haven’t you got your s*hit together yet?
The older I get, the more alone I feel. Whenever I look around, another one of my friends is getting married. And if they aren’t getting hitched, they are at least involved with someone.
Some are gay and some are straight but all of them have somebody.
All of them – except for me.
Please don’t think I’m whining. I kinda love my life. And it’s not like I don’t put myself out there. I totally do!
I’m on OK Cupid, Match, Hornet and even a few of the hook up apps for good measure. I go to gay related charity events and am no stranger to the bars.
But it just seems like each time I start seeing a guy, it goes nowhere. Oh sure, we might go out on a few dates and have some laughs. But after a while, things fizzle out.
A lot of the guys I meet are just flakes – looking for “someone better” I guess. It sucks because I’m one of those gays who truly wants to be in a relationship and build something special, like a family, you know?
I don’t think I’m ugly either. I’m not the white ripped man stereotype, I may not turn everyone’s head when I walk into a room but I’m not hideous. Just an average looking gay man who tries to take care of himself.
Is it just me or does it seem like once you get into your middle 30’s, the pressure to couple up starts mounting. Kind of like a ticking alarm clock that you know will eventually go off and scream: Times up!
I guess my biggest fear now is that nobody is going to want to date an ageing gay who has little history of “being” with someone.
I’m also tired of hooking up with men who are sexual robots; men who wouldn’t know real passion if it hit them on the head. I want a man who wants love. A man who can be vulnerable. Someone who wants to love back.
Maybe it’s me. Perhaps my expectations are just messed up. All I require is authenticity and a desire to let someone in. That’s what I try to do when I’ve met other men.
But it’s not turning out that way.
All I keep finding are guys who are looking for “the one”. They have it in their mind that it’s got to be a “match” on the first date – period.
WTF am I going to do if I’m still single at 40? Will other gay men think I’m toxic because I’m still “available”?
What is the point of working and fighting so hard if at the end of the day there’s no one to share those victories with? I really don’t get it, everyone around me have someone, I know all type of men: slim, fat, muscular, ‘straight acting’, ‘effeminate’, black, white, in monogamous and open relationships. All of them have someone. Of course, not every relationship is real or perfect but at least they’re trying. That is better than nothing.
One Redditor in particular, had some comforting words in the comments:
Just breathe buddy. It’s all going to be alright. 😉 I’m in your boat (39, single for around a decade). I’ve got a very small circle of close friends, own my home and my car, and have a job that I really enjoy.
I definitely wouldn’t mind finding someone that I click with and seeing where it leads, but I’m actually pretty damned happy with things as they are.
I used to worry about trying to find someone, but I finally just let go of it and it was the best thing I could’ve done. I’ve tried the apps, but people just get so damned flaky on there that they’ve proved to be fairly useless.
Now I figure if it’s supposed to happen, it will. Until then I’m sure as hell not going to feel sorry for myself. Instead I spend my time enjoying my hobbies (Legos, boardgames, writing) and time with my friends.
Just try enjoying yourself and the things you currently have. Truth is we are both still young and the possibilities are endless.