Living in a religious family is hard for a gay (or bisexual) man. But this Muslim man on Reddit, has no regrets about going to secret hookups with men – while his arranged marriage to a woman is being planned.

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“I am a Muslim lad who would consider himself as a closeted bi-sexual”, he writes. “I have plans on getting an arranged marriage in the future.”

And then he explains his complicated situation:

I have never had a relationship with a girl throughout life, just a couple of flings. Everyone in my family sees me as the good boy. There is something that they do not know about me.

Since I was 19 (4 years ago), I have been meeting up with guys online. I have had around 8 hookups since then and all of them were similar. They would pick me up, take me somewhere quiet and I would suck them off and leave. I have never been bummed but I know this will happen eventually as I really do want to feel a guy in me.

At first I felt very guilty about this due to my religion but these feelings are slowly disappearing. I love the sound of a man moaning in pleasure as I please him.

My family would probably disown me if they knew about it. I do want to get married and have a family of my own.

However, I think I will be carrying on with these hookups even when I am married because the urges are so hard to fight.