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Help: I Can’t Decide Whether I’m Straight, Bisexual Or Gay

Some “straight” men like to experiment, some find out they’re actually bisexual, and some eventually realize they were gay all along. But what happens when you just can’t “decide” what you are, with conflicting feelings and attractions?

Man drying his hair after a shower

A confused guy came to Reddit for help, after years of debating the issue with himself. “Every time I think I’m ready to declare myself as one or the other, I tend to have niggling doubts”, he writes.

So he decided to list the points that “contribute” to each side:

Gay – I definitely do find some guys attractive, but not so sure on how sexual that is. Get a sort of gut instinctive reaction to some guys, often more so than I do for women – Have had erotic dreams of men and woken up with erections.

Often look at women, not sure if I find them attractive or not, even when they are perfect specimens of the female form (though my heart usually does beat a little faster). I chose not to have long-term relationships with women just in case.

Rather not commit to anything, only to break a woman’s heart – Sometimes cannot be bothered to go on dates with women for these reasons.

Straight – I only masturbate to straight porn. Gay porn makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable. If I have an erection from straight porn and pause it to think of gay sex, I’ll typically lose hardness.

I have had a lot of sex with women. Can almost never lie in bed beside a woman without having a continuous erection. Generally do not find this is the case when lying beside a male friend (camping at festivals, top-tailing in house parties).

Have had erotic dreams of women and woken up with erections. Idea of me having sex with these women arouses me. Not so much with men, though I’m wondering if that is a result of internalized homophobia.

Whilst generally what I’ve got from reading is that I shouldn’t be worrying too much about things – really I need to remind myself there’s nothing wrong with same sex attraction, even though I’m sorry, being frank I’d rather have the benefit of a normal heterosexual life.

I sometimes wonder if I’m being dishonest, more to other people than myself. I’ve in some ways built up an image of a very hetero guy.

I also have a fair few gay friends, so it’s not a case of me being truly homophobic, but I’m not particularly enthused by mainstream gay culture, so I think it’d be an odd fit.

So my questions are – if you had to label me how would you label me? Should I really care? Am I being dishonest? Or should I just focus on being a decent human being and not worry about the way I perceive myself or the way others should perceive me?

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